The Connection Between Love And Sex Is Illusory.
In a world of masturbation, casual sex, commercial sex, phone sex, etc, sex has become too free for love to be dependent on it. In a world of BDSM and exhibitionism, an emotional romantic connection is not dependent on sex.
You cannot use sex to trap a BF/GF. You cannot use sex to prevent a breakup. You cannot use sex to make your partner loyal.
You cannot use sex to make someone love you or commit to you. If it’s meant to be, it will be.
Sex is no longer a duty of a wife to a husband. Or a girlfriend to a boyfriend. Or vice versa. You have the right to say NO to sex even if you’re married. You don’t owe sex to anybody.
No matter how persistent they can be, you don’t.
You cannot use sex to feel good about yourself. Low self-confidence can be addressed with psychotherapy exercises, not sex.
Sex should not be about power but about pleasure. If sex is about power for you, you are a potential rapist.
You should not have sex because you want to express a birthday/a goodbye wish or an apology. Breakup sex does not replace getting closure from relationships.
Sex is not a gift.
Sex is not a present.
It should be equally enjoyed by both partners with equal effort to please one another. Not something that one person/gender gives, while one person/gender receives.
Apologize to people genuinely without using sex to cover up the need for an apology. Buy people gifts that you think they deserve. If you must use sex as a gift or apology, don’t let it replace your words and restituting actions.
Have a heart to heart talk with your partner. Bare your soul to them. If you want to feel connected, exchange thoughts and ideas. Give each other mental orgasms. Don’t use sex to replace this, even if you feel sex also makes you connected to your partner.
Intimacy in a relationship is governed by communicating ideas, having fun together and viewing the world from the same perspective. Not sex. Even though sex can be a part of the ‘having fun together’ category.
Yes, you can have sex as an exercise. Burn those calories. But don’t forget other physical exercises. You can have sex to keep yourself warm at night, but don’t forget the blanket.
Revenge sex or Rebound sex can be fun, but addressing jealousy or post-breakup hate is psychologically better.
Don’t have sex because you had a bet with your friends. Don’t have sex for a dare. Don’t have sex to impress peers. Don’t have sex to make yourself popular or to earn the “badass” reputation. Don’t have sex to compete with your friends on who is more attractive. Don’t have sex to join the gang.
You should not have to fear pregnancy to enjoy sex.
You should not have to have sex to get a job, a raise or a promotion. You should not have to have sex to survive and have some money. But if you don’t have a choice, don’t let it destroy your self-esteem.
You’re just being resourceful. Get justice if you don’t want to be used like this. Organize to change the institutional or systemic ill that has made it necessary for you to have sex that you don’t want just to survive or get ahead.
Sex is purely for your physical enjoyment.
Explore different styles. Different consensual perversions. Different people, if you want. Different genders, if you want. Fulfill your fantasies. Add to your bedmating skills. Have sex for the fun and the adventure. Have sex for the experience. Feed your curiosity.
Imagine the people you are attracted to naked, and approach them for sex respectfully. Adore the little things about the bodies of others. Imagine their cum face. Imagine what it would feel like to have sex with them while looking into their eyes. Imagination is a free NATION. Travel around that ‘nation’.
If you get a NO, move on. Don’t sexualize them if they do not want it.
Enjoy sex when you’re horny. Live on the mountain of your orgasms.
Sexual addiction is the healthiest addiction if managed well. Release. Get that boredom and sexual frustration out of your system. It’s good for your health. Relax and enjoy a good head. Release the tension and stress. Forget your sorrows and anxieties for a moment.
Don’t bottle up the frustration of this country. Fuck! Gbensh!
Sex is for your fun. Sex is for your enjoyment.
The only sex you should have is the sex you want.
Omole Ibukun is a feminist writer, artist and activist from Nigeria.